Why I Decided to be Celibate

Last evening I was online reading about certain celebrities who decided to be celibate until marriage or celibate until they are in another committed relationship.  I read about Lenny Kravitz, Jessica Simpson, Courtney Cox, and Elle Macpherson just to name a few.  Reading about these people and other articles about celibacy made me realize that choosing to be celibate is not as uncommon as one would think.  Celibacy is not exactly widespread, however more people than you think have been choosing to refrain from sex.  There are many reasons why people choose to be celibate.  Some are complicated and some deeply rooted in a person’s religious faith.  I could not help but think of my own reasons for deciding to be celibate.  I have been celibate for over fifteen years.  Yes, you read that correctly…LOL

First off let me just say that I did not decide on celibacy for any religious reasons, although the reasons are based on the awareness of my spirituality.  I am not speaking for any religion; only for myself.  I don’t care much for religion in fact.   However, I am a very spiritual person who deeply believes in and relies heavily on that Higher Power that we call God, but not in a religious sense.  I do not believe that if you have sex before marriage that it is a sin.  It may not be the wisest thing in many cases, but a sin, no.  I do not accept the belief in a God who sits up in the sky judging people.  To me that is a human ego based concept of God.  To me God is only love.  I have come to know that God is all love and does not even know how to register imperfection in any of His/Her children.  I am not a fan of the God taught in traditional religion where he is definitely a male figure who sits up in the sky judging people and when you pass from this plane; decides whether or not you will go to heaven or hell.  I have come to know that heaven or hell is a state of consciousness, and you don’t have to pass away to be in either place, but that is a whole other story that I do not intend to get into detail on this post.  I am not sure I want to get into it at all on my blog.  I will have to contemplate that some more.

My views about sex is not at all connected to the outer world’s notion of it.  In the outer world there is so much pressure to engage in sex.  The results are often not the best and in some cases disastrous.  Sex is not a contact sport.  Some men (not all) seem to think that women are here to be receptacles for their sperm and some women allow it.  I have come to know that all people are individualized manifestations of Mother-Father God, so to me my physical embodiment is to be taken care of and honored in a way that Universal Loving Intelligence deserves.  This is one of the most important reasons that I have never slept around having casual sex encounters.  Shocked aren’t you?  And just in case you are thinking it, NO, I am not a woman who just doesn’t like sex or anything like that.  I am a healthy, vibrant female who loves life and embraces it.  I think that sex is an important part of a relationship between a man and a woman and definitely should be expressed.

I think that sex is about making love and is a truly wonderful thing.  It is the closest that a man and woman can get physically.  Sex is not something that is dirty or taboo, although it has become so in the outer world.  There is so much pressure to have sex and I have never been comfortable with that.  One of the biggest pains in the neck is being pressured to sleep with a man who I am trying to get to know and not even sure I would want to sleep with if I did get to know him better.  Another big turn off for me is when a man says that he has needs, and if he can’t get “it” from me then he will have to get it from someone else.  In that case he can go right ahead and do whatever he feels that he needs to do but don’t come looking for me when he is done.  I know these notions may seem really outdated, but I have to be authentic to myself and honor my values.  If a man’s values are different from mine I feel that I should honor that and release him to go and do what he wants to do with some other woman and do it without judgement.  I am simply not the woman for him and he is not the man for me and you know what?  It is not the end of the world.  There are lots of women who will sleep with him to keep him.  I won’t and it is that simple.  It is important to me to live my truth.  I always tell people to do what is comfortable for you.  If you are comfortable sleeping with everyone you date go right ahead.  I am not comfortable doing that so I don’t.

Sex is an act of bonding for women and I am not about to put myself in a position to be hurt by a man who simply wants a roll in the hay.  I am worth much more than that; all women are.  You have to have self-confidence to demand the kind of respect you deserve and want.  If a man will leave you because you want to wait until you are ready to have sex then he is simply not the man for you.  It is not the end of the world.   A lot of people (both men and women) just do not like being unattached and view being single almost as if it is a disease.  I freely admit that I would prefer not to be single and in a committed relationship (married) too, but compromising my core values is not an option that I want to take to getting there.  I don’t think I need to be married first to have sex with a man that I love although I do admit I would like it to be that way.  But I am not about jumping into bed with a man just because that is what is expected.  I need to get to know a man first, be comfortable and feel ready to take that step.  I have to know that he cares for me as more than a bed partner.

Dating and getting to really know one another can be so much fun if not for the pressures to jump in bed immediately.  I have come to really dislike dating because of the pressures.  As a result I have even stayed clear of that for longer than I care to admit.  The whole dating process became a drag for me and I just did not like it anymore.  I wish that God would just send the man of my dreams my name and phone number so that he can contact me and we can skip the dating scene.  I know that my Mr. Darcy or John Thornton is out there someplace, but there has been some temporary challenges connecting.  I have to put the blame for that entirely on myself because I have not been focusing enough on it like I focus on other areas of my life.  I have to put the thought out there to the Universe, fill it with my feelings and remain focused.

I admit that being purposely celibate for so long that I am a little nervous now.  It has been so long that I cannot even remember what it is like to have sex.  Also as I wrote above I was not “out there” when I was having sex.  I have only slept with two men in my entire life and in my eyes that is one man too many since I did not marry the first one.  I have never had a one night stand either.  I am over forty so men would assume that I am knowledgeable about sex but I’m not.  In many ways I am more of a virgin now than I was when I really was one.  I don’t think that I am asking for a lot.  I simply want to be respected and truly loved for who I AM in its entirety.  I admit that I have met and dated at least two men who were wonderful men, but I did not love them the way they loved me, so I thought it was important to let them go to find the woman who would love and appreciate them the way they deserved.  Maybe I would have learned to love them more as time went on.  Some women have told me that at first they were not attracted to their husband when they first met and so only wanted to be friends.  As time went by they slowly fell passionately in love.  That could have happened for me too but that is all water under the bridge now.  I think that I was too young to really appreciate these men at the time.  I was still discovering who I am and what I wanted to do with my life.  I was in a period of transition when I met those two men.  The changes that I was going through at the time are over and I have long ago settled into a life that I enjoy and was able to grow.  I have always wished both of those men the best that life has to offer and I do hope that they found true love.  I trust that they did.

My love is sweet as the rose and here for my handsome Prince Charming to claim.  He is constant in his love and as romantic as a beautiful spring morning and lovely peonies in bloom.  He makes me laugh and we live our dreams together.  We are best friends, joined at the hip and yet individual manifestations of Mother-Father God expressing all that we are.  He is strong yet gentle and sweet and appreciates the gifts that I have for him.  The words I Love You comes from his heart to me.  The words I Love you comes from my heart to his and it is so fragrant like a rose.  We travel the world together, bike ride through the countryside together and share are deepest thoughts.  If you missed my post on my dream husband you can read it HERE.  You may think it is corny, but oh well…..that is the risk one takes when you start a blog.  Some people will love your posts and others will think you have lost your mind.

Here is an image of a spiritual representation of how I view sex and love.  It is a sacred union.

The world could use a good dose of Love Potion.  The fragrance is so sweet.

  Love is The Key.
“When intercourse is prompted by pure heartfelt love between man and woman, the united human consciousness ascends, during intercourse, into higher and higher levels of ‘consciousness vibrational frequencies’ until they are caught up in the vibrational frequencies – of Divine Intelligence/Love Consciousness.”…..Emmanuel Jesus the Christ
A message to my Prince Charming.  Your Love is the key to my heart.

4 comments

  1. Xenia says:

    Hi Callaluna,

    Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I don’t think being celibate is weird or freakish either. Many people do, but I cannot allow that to influence me. I don’t take getting naked with a man lightly. It is the closest that you can get physically with another human being. It is a very intimate and intense act that, in my opinion, should include love. Anything outside of that I am not even remotely interested in.

    I prefer to refer to sex as making love, because to me that is the true nature of the activity. It is human beings who turned into something that can be viewed as sordid at times. Referring to it as f*cking is a huge turn off for me.

    I love a good love story too, and I don’t mind seeing two people making love in a movie. I just cannot get with it when it is all about grinding bones. There is much more to life and relationships than that.

  2. Callaluna says:

    Dear Xenia,
    I, too am celibate by choice for all the same reasons you stated so beautifully in your essay. Let me say there is NOTHING freakish or weird about remaining celibate, it is a life choice that should be practiced by more people, in my opinion.
    There is so much degradation of the sexual act today, it has been reduced to animal need and used as an entertainment in films and TV. I have nothing against a good love story or a lovely scene with two people making love, but too often, sex is debased and women are degraded. this sends a terrible message to our young women, who need to realize that their bodies are a treasure to be won, not thrown away to the first boy who tells you to “prove your love”.
    I absolutely love your blog and think the world of you and with each new piece of your writing I read, I am ever more impressed by your spirituality, kindness and beauty. Our “Princes” are out there, I’m positive, and when they find us, how lucky they will be!
    God bless you, Xenia, you are a treasure.

  3. Ann Marie says:

    Hello Xenia,
    I like that you are honest with yourself and you put it out so all can see. If both
    men and women would be honest. In relationships there would be great deal
    of happy people out there. And its true. We must have love, friendship, trust, communication. And Honesty…..

    • Xenia says:

      I wrote this blog post almost a year ago and you are the FIRST person to say anything at all about it, yet it gets a lot of “visitors”. While I was writing this post I searched online for other adult people over 30 who are also celibate and it was a challenge. Celibacy is mostly associated with people in their teens or early twenties.

      I do admit that I may be something of a rarity, but not as unusual as many people may believe.

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